Scrolling through Facebook, I started seeing a ton of posts and pictures of Ms. Bain; Birthday pics at the Wee Pub, pics in the hallways of our middle school in Queens. Pics of her hugging teachers, hugging admin, smiling. Always hugging and smiling.
I thought it must be her birthday and the whole staff had come together to celebrate. And I missed it living here on the other side of the world. Just as I commented “Happy Birthday Ms. Bain! Can someone hug her for me? I miss her!” I got a text from one of my former colleagues.
“Ms. Bain passed away.”
It was not her birthday. All the teachers at my old school were posting pics in mourning.
Another friend messaged to let me know that this past year, while teaching online, she was fighting stage 4 lung cancer. Think about that; she was teaching while fighting stage 4 lung cancer. I could go off on a tangent on that alone.
Something else hit harder, however. I wasn’t there. I was never there. I spent 14 years in a school and vainly kept mostly to myself. I stood by the mantra that work life was work and my personal life was my own. So I skipped many celebrations, picnics, end of year parties…and I can’t think of any good reason why?
Ms. Bain on the other hand was beloved by all. Nearly 20 years ago, as a 1st year teacher in an over crowded New York City public school, I walked into her room and introduced myself as the newbie without a classroom, who would be teaching in her room from time to time (I would be in 11 different classrooms each week in fact, but that’s another story).
She immediately hugged me upon hearing of my horrible schedule. She proceeded to clear out a closet for me so I could store my things there. She pointed out a bulletin board I could use if I needed to post work. She showed me where she kept all her supplies, the plain white chalk we were provided with and then all the things she purchased herself to make her classroom much more organized and interesting. “We will make it work, don’t worry! Think of this as your classroom!”
The next day, the principal changed my schedule entirely and it turned out I would not be using Ms. Bain’s classroom. I would be on 3 different floors entirely….
“But we had plans!” she wailed, “Promise you will still come visit? You can still use my room to store things!”
And so I did continue to visit and store my coat, umbrella, purse, etc in a closet in her room. I got to see her every morning and every afternoon, unraveling another crazy day as a 1st year teacher.
We never ended up working together nor did we ever end up in the same floor even But for the next 13 years, in passing, there was always a hug, a smile, a sly joke about men or lack thereof. A promise to get together that never really happened, despite us living in the same neighborhood.
I am completely ashamed for missing so many opportunities to connect with people. The staff at that school were more than just people I passed in the hallway, they were a family I didn’t even realize I had until just now. I felt close to my work bestie and the amazingly supportive dean across the hall. For a time, I was close to the teachers on my grade-level team. But I am kicking myself for not stopping to take the time to really talk, to be there for their celebrations, to go to every single one of those end of year gatherings. What a stupid idea it was to keep my life so private and separate. If there’s anything we’ve learned this year it’s how much we need people – neighbors, co-workers, family, the essential workers – Go ahead and freakin’ hug them (when it’s safe)! The people around you mean so much more than you know.
I lost quite a few people this year. My Aunt Pilar who I loved dearly and could listen to her stories all day, even if they were in Spanish. My Aunt Josie, who I spent time with in California when I was 18. I always meant to go back and visit her, but never did. My friends have lost parents, aunts, and uncles due to COVID. I don’t think I’ve seen so many deaths in one year. So hug those who are here today. Go to that party. Get together for coffee. We’ve been closed off for long enough.
NYC Teacher Abroad 